It can happen innocently enough.
One minute you’re scrolling through social media, admiring the cuteness of someone’s dog or a post of a perennial in bloom. Then, rather unconsciously, you find yourself comparing your dog’s cuteness to the one you saw online. Or perhaps you start thinking about how you need to take more flower pictures or (even better!) start growing a garden of your own.
It is expected that the images we see, the conversations we have, and the news we read will influence us. But what we don’t usually realize is how often it inspires unproductive mental comparisons.
These judgements are problematic for a variety of reasons, but I’ve observed three primary pitfalls that can arise from comparing ourselves and our lives to others’, whether favorably or unfavorably.
Seeking Comfort from Our Fears
We are all familiar with the feeling of falling short when we compare ourselves to others. But do we recognize when our comparisons make us feel better in some way?
When you compare yourself to someone else and find that you feel superior, there can be something comforting about it. You may have your faults and struggles, but at least you’re doing better than so-and-so.
In its more extreme nature, this can take the form of schadenfreude, finding pleasure at others’ misfortune. But even in its most mild and innocent state, this assessing yourself favorably in comparison to others is an empty comfort with a problematic shadow side.
If you feel good about being better-off than some, the accompanying inverse is feeling bad about being worse-off than so many others. This is the destructive cycle leading to the second pitfall.
Confirming Your Imperfection
Much more obvious, painful, and commonplace is the sense of inadequacy that arises when we compare ourselves to those we perceive as having/doing/ being more than us.
This can be the envy you feel at someone’s perfectly curated vacation photos, or just hearing someone else’s good news.
Comparison can even lead to questioning your worth. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you may start to belittle yourself for being a terrible teacher, partner, or parent. It’s difficult to appreciate who we are and our inherent value when it seems like other people have it so much better than we do.
The Destructive and Unattainable Ideal
Even if we are able to let go of comparing ourselves to others, another potential comparison still remains – with an idealized version of oneself.
This can arise as a romanticized version of who we remember being in the past. Ostensibly a younger you, who existed before. Before all the trappings of adulthood like work, family, and the challenges of life changed things.
Or, instead of looking toward the past, some people imagine an unrealistic and idealized future. We compare who we are today to a much better-off version we will be “someday, when…”
The problem is that this ideal cannot be achieved. We disregard what is actually real - who we are right now - in exchange for a theoretical, better future that will most likely never exist. Even if you did win the lottery or lose those last 10 pounds, the sense that it could be even better will always remain.
Disrupting Comparison with a Reflective Pause
Comparison and judgement are common mental habits that we all experience. When you do notice that you have fallen into one of these mental comparisons, I invite you to pause, take a few deep breaths, and disrupt the thoughts with some self-inquiry.
If you are entertaining the comparison in order to comfort yourself, instead reflect on all the simple blessings you have in your life. It’s not about how much better-off you are, but just that you, like many people, have much to be grateful for.
If your comparison with someone else feels like yet another reminder of all your mistakes, misfortunes, and inadequacies, once again pause, breathe, and reflect. Remember that you are a perfectly imperfect human being like the rest of us, and that everyone is facing challenges, whether seen or unseen. Realize that you are not the only one who feels this way, and that sometimes life is hard.
Lastly, if you are comparing yourself to an idealized version of you from the past or theoretical future, take that reflective pause before offering yourself some compassion. Reflect on the fact that change is the only constant, and we can’t cling to how we used to be. And, perhaps even more importantly, the pressure we put on ourselves to achieve some ideal, is an exercise in futility.
The Teddy Roosevelt quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy” expresses succinctly how we can create unnecessary suffering through unhelpful mental habits. My invitation to you is to be open to realizing when this happens and take a moment to pause, breathe, and reflect on whether the stories we are telling ourselves are stealing the joy of the moment.
